Oh, it's only pot and they're only kids and it's just alcohol - No, it isn't, it's their life.
October 8th 2008 22:03
Signature Tune
From mySA moms, By Melissa Fletcher Stoeltje - Express-News Staff Writer
Joanne Daxon started noticing the changes when her previously vibrant, social daughter transitioned from middle school to high school. Jennifer started dressing differently — like a "hippie," says her mother. She started running with an unsavory crowd. She became withdrawn and secretive. Her grades started to slip. And she started sneaking out at night, even though her parents tried to stop her.
"She had been this happy person, and there was just this transformation into something ugly," says Daxon.
Like countless parents, Daxon and her spouse had to face the cold, hard realization that their beloved child was abusing drugs and alcohol. For them, it was a long, slow process, culminating the night they found a needle in their daughter's belongings. For other parents the trajectory might be shorter and more obvious. But for any mother or father who suspects a child has become involved with drug use, the advice from experts is the same: Don't ignore that gnawing feeling.
"Don't be afraid to look into it," says Trish Frye, program director for the Palmer Drug Abuse Program. "If you've got that gut feeling that something is going on, it probably is and you need to act."
Frye says some of the signs — withdrawal, secretiveness, hostility — may just be typical teenage behavior or symptoms of depression. But you can't know for sure unless you check into it.
Other signs of drug use include red eyes, losing weight, poor hygiene, changes in friends, bad grades, loss of interest in extracurricular activities, strange odors, nausea, mood swings and more.
But what's a parent to do?
First, don't minimize the problem, says Frye. "Some people think substance abuse is a normal part of adolescent development. It's not."
Statistics show that kids who start drinking at 15 have a 40 percent chance of developing dependence on alcohol.
"So you can't say, 'Oh, it's just beer,' " says Frye. "It sets up kids to have future problems because it interrupts brain development. And people will also go, 'Oh, it's just marijuana.' In fact, there are more treatment admissions for marijuana" than any other drug.
Parents should sit down with their children and ask directly if they are using drugs. Tell them what you've noticed and what your concerns are. State in certain terms that the use of drugs or alcohol won't be tolerated in your home. Be prepared for your child to be defensive and to deny using.
"Don't be afraid of insulting them," says Frye. "But be open as opposed to judgmental."
The Web site www.theantidrug.com offers a wealth of advice when it comes to talking to your kids about their possible drug use. Don't hesitate, it says: the longer you wait, the harder it will be to deal with the issue.
The first step, though, is to get educated. Sign up for the Anti-Drug Parenting Tips Newsletter or www.Freevibe.com for information about drug and alcohol use by teens. Or call the National Clearinghouse for Alcohol and Drug Information at (800) 788-2800 for free pamphlets and fact sheets.
Don't let anger, guilt or shame stop you from sitting down with your teen. Realize that scores of other parents have gone through the exact same situation. Make sure that when you broach the conversation you are calm and have plenty of time. Don't become accusatory or tell your child they're stupid or bad or an embarrassment to the family. Simply try to connect with your teen and find out why he or she is making bad choices. Find out if friends offered your child drugs at a party or school. Why did he or she try it?
Here are some suggested things to say when talking to your son or daughter, according to the anti-drug Web site:
• You love your child and worry he or she might be using drugs.
• You know that drugs may seem like the thing to do, but doing drugs can have serious consequences.
• It makes you feel worried and concerned when your child does drugs.
• You are there to listen.
• You want your child to be part of the solution.
Also, tell your child what you will do to help him or her and realize that you will probably have to have this discussion many times.
You might need to practice what you will say several times with a spouse or someone supportive before actually having the conversation with your child. And then act: Set clear, consistence consequences for drug or alcohol use. If the problem seems more than you can handle, contact a professional counselor at a substance abuse program. (To locate a drug and alcohol abuse treatment program near you, call [800] 662-HELP.)
A school counselor, a trusted coach, a doctor or a church leader might also be helpful. Frye says parents shouldn't be shy about searching their child's room if they suspect drug use; nor should they be reluctant to test their child's urine for signs of drug use, preferably through a laboratory as opposed to self-testing kits.
"But a drug test needs to be random and unexpected," she says. "Otherwise there are too many ways to taint the results."
If a child refuses to attend a drug treatment center, the parents should still go, to get education and support, says Frye. A child who experiments with drugs or alcohol isn't necessarily an addict, she adds. But parents need an objective third party to get a true assessment.
"Tell your child, 'I'm Mom and I'm not objective. Maybe I'm overreacting and if a professional tells me I'm overreacting, then I'll back off.' But for some reason your kid is making a decision to use a drug. Are they self-medicating? Are they doing it because of peer pressure or low self-esteem? Are they just trying to have a good time? The point is, none of it is good. It's all troubling and all destructive. And kids think they are terminally invincible."
Linda Tippins, executive vice president of San Antonio Fighting Back, says parents need counseling, too, when their children are dealing with a substance-abuse problem.
"When children come to counseling, parents must be receptive and reinforce what is learned," she says. "Healing is a family thing. It's not just your child who is on drugs: You're on drugs too. Addiction affects the entire family."
Yes, confronting a child's drug use can be scary, says Frye. "But it's scarier to try and handle it by yourself. Don't be afraid to have the conversation many times, and listen to your gut. Seek help if you're not sure what to do."
Daxon and her family sought help, and at first the counseling her daughter received proved effective. But she relapsed repeatedly. To deal with their daughter's drug use, Daxon finally had to call the police. It was terribly frightening to imagine your child going to jail, she says, but that's what they had to do. Ultimately, they made their daughter move out, at which point she moved in with her drug dealer. Eventually, Jennifer cleaned up, and, at 28, has been sober nine years. She's in school studying to be a veterinarian's technician.
"It's so hard to believe it can happen to you, because as a society we want to believe that (drug use) happens only to disadvantaged people or people who grew up in alcoholic and drug-addicted homes," says Daxon. "But it can happen to regular kids and regular families."
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Comment by Anonymous
Comment by Louie
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Comment by katyzzz
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Louie, you are so right but now we have many parents who are themselves on it. Repeatedly, many ignore the dangers to their own and others' detriment.
Comment by Wilson Pon
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By the way, great post as usual, Katyzzz.
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